LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
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I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
how much for the angry fruit?
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Anyone really
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u