“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
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I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower