The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
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The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
You have been warned.
I hate my earbuds.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor