A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
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Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.