DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
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You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏