[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
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My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.