cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
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Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
This is the one
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.