*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
You Might Also Like
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot