Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
You Might Also Like
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain