*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
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Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“Huge”.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”