[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
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Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor