*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
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I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Best spot.. 😅
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.