I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
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My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨