I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
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peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Are we there yet?…
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
even bears disappoint their mothers
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.