You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
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Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.