I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
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Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Meow