your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
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“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.