*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
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Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
This week’s mood.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip