quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
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You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
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Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss