Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
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My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning