DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
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[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Single and childfree like Jesus
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*