Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
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Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine