Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
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Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one