“I will cook for you.” I threatened
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ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
i spent way too long on this
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen