I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
You Might Also Like
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow