my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
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Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Stop sending me this shit.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11