A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
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I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.