Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
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Room with a view.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Bros before Ohioes
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I told my vodka about you.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.