You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
You Might Also Like
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*