80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
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House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
2023 was just a warmup
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Not today
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.