Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
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Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.