Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
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Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I’m having an out of money experience.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.