Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
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Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.