Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
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My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.