English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
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Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Awesome parenting 😂
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”