dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
You Might Also Like
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him