[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
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Best mom ever 😂
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
What
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?