I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
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[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho