Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
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When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?