Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
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chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
RT if you could go either way.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same