aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
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“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!