i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
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Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
What’s a Messi?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights