Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
You Might Also Like
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.