The Struggle
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fair
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Boom, boom, ching!
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.