Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
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They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
The most important meal of the day is the next one
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no