Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
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And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”