Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
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AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.