I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
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#MeanwhileInCanada
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.