How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
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My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.