“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
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today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I get distracted pretty eas
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.